The Uncanny Valley

Notes on art, culture and preservation

Archive for July 2012

Oh, I built that. (You didn’t.)

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You could say I’m a rugged individualist. Everything I have accomplished in my life, I accomplished using my own, individual initiative, without the help of any regulatory nannies, nabobs or nincompoops.

When I was five, I invented a flaming twig projector coated in elk urine to fend off bobcats and terrorists. I educated myself about the ways of the world, paid my way through business school thanks to leprechauns I took hostage.

To get there I commuted across toll-free dirt roads and swamps riding my moto-kite fueled by pigeon droppings and gingko seeds. Today, I ride it to the headquarters of my cannibalism-prevention startup. We’re located in a five-sided hut that I constructed out of slabs and stones that came into existence solely for my use. We connect with clients through our voodoo-powered transmission server; it’s impossible for any competitors to hack it. And against all odds, my startup continues to rake in the ROI┬ádespite my employees’ utter lack of defense against hungry clients, wages paid in berries and the common cold.

I’ve done it all and always will. Frankly, I don’t need anyone telling me otherwise, or I’ll gladly collectivize them a new pair of faux-nads.

Please, share this or repost it if you feel you’ve earned everything in life — and remember, I didn’t give you these words to pass off as your own, you wrote them all yourself.

Written by cwmote

July 18, 2012 at 1:02 pm